Quitting

I’m a former smoker, as of last week. It isn’t the first time either. Once, I had an acupuncturist help me quit smoking and it stuck for a good while. What ever really is a good reason or excuse to light up another one? It is never as good as we smokers imagine it will be. Much like my acupuncturist and I agreed…a cigarette is like that boyfriend that beats us but we keep going back to him. Because we know him. He is who we turn to when we are sad, lonely or stressed. Then before we know it he is back in our bed, controlling our life and killing our health. All the elements are there. Addiction of any kind is emotional, and nicotine is so easily addictive and so present in our lives, that it is hard not to relate smoking and the smoker to being a bond of sorts. So this time when I let it go, I let it go softly. I thought of it just like a relationship, and wrote a poem about it.

I’ve quit you so many times
and I always come running back
You are like a boyfriend
who takes all my energy
my time and my best
and you give me nothing back
I spend so much money
we hide behind closed doors
we take a deep breath together
and wonder what all this hiding is for
you give nothing
you add nothing
you heal nothing

Quitting
Quitting you again

You’re like an abusive boyfriend
a family member
an ex husband or memory
that keeps me curled up
making my initiative lazy
you make me old
and when you aren’t around
I start acting crazy

Quitting
I’m quitting you again
and if I falter
I’m gonna think of you just like this
like an abusive boyfriend
a lazy ass lover
an ex husband who knows my weakness
A taker
a taker
with nothing to give me

you cant have my money
you cant have my breath
or my life
anymore
smoke

Triggers

When I came back from the prison

I brought all the chains with me

took all these years to shake those words off

Things hidden just resurface when triggers are pulled

and little battles come back ready to be fought

baby be enough

baby be more

baby so funny when she tries to allure

baby just thinks too much

just don’t understand

the needs the needs of a man

And when I came home

I brought all that baggage
repacked the memories

and I had the advantage
things written on paper
somewhere hidden about sadness

nothing like laying next to someone

who just can’t be pleased
nothing like carrying the weight
of someone with no dreams

and baby it’s not enough

baby what do you know

baby sometimes its gotta be rough
cant be so close all the time

who cares about the rain
and who cares about the lines

baby its not enough

but baby its just too much
baby a man needs variety but..

red isn’t really you color baby

and when I woke up as a live wire

You know you ain’t no lady
I took out that gun

you take things to serious

for the last pulled trigger
you’re so cute when you try to be mysterious

and threw it into the sun
Some women like it like that

When I woke up I just realized
open your eyes dammit
it was never even my fight

forgiveness and forgetting

such a beautiful things

because baby came alive

yeah now baby got her wings

Hold

Come here
And hold me
I said in all my intentions
In creative license
And raw vulnerabilities
Come here and hold me
I said
In the ways only we can tell
In the moments
We don’t know how things end
Or how they start really
But anyhow in the refuges
Of things up in the air
In my intentions
Come here and hold me
And things change us
Although we don’t change for things
And connections grow us
Though we don’t rise for the change
And all your interpretations
Sometimes feel like just hiding
And it’s a what ever
And what the the hell
I’m me and my soul ain’t for sell
But my heart is good
And my spirit cares
And I’m tired
And so I said
Just come here and hold me