I remembered something 

When I was thinking about you

Wherever you are 

I’m sure you remember too

And whatever’s whatever

In whatever is is

Those present moments

Of presence presents to give

Where life and alive gives

And gives

Sometimes those memories

In early mornings

Meet me with a kiss

That sparkle it comes with the wind

And I know

You know 

Those secret times

Of played out realities

And collaborated rhymes

Yes maybe they had their times

But what is time anyway

Just a recording of places

That energies won’t erase

I remembered something

Again 

In all our somethings

Of sparkle

And shine

That was so bright in our alives

Through that space

And through that time 

Project 

Playing in her mama’s makeup

Do we ever really stop

Trying so hard to paint ourselves

Just trying so hard to be grown up

Look at this

See what I can do

Just looking for the prize

Or looking for the gratitude

Be careful how you paint yourself

In those corners of your mental hells

Playing grown up

And everybody rides those 

Rides

Baby be careful who you invite

Who you shut out

Shut down

And who gets to ride

Maybe we are stronger 

In our innocence 

Our quiet needs

Our silent prayers

And living confidence 

We all live

We all live 

Outside our pretense 

Keep Your Alive

Taking time and time taking me

clinging so hard to what just wants to be free

knew I couldn’t hold on forever

but we’re never ready to let go

even when we say we are

even when we plan the parting

So I opened gifts given by associations

and sat in the shadows cast by memories

felt sparkles filling those hollows

like the feelings diamonds have

when the light hits their faces

That burning and life says

keep your alive, alive

keep your shine, shining

see that, see that

that power in you

that sparkle that sparkles

its so so sweet

where magic and intentions

something about being alive and just being meet.

Sitting in the leftover of eternal memory

Feeling the gifts that memories bring

hearing anecdotes and inflections

of voices and conversations

bringing at the right moments

lessons and times

that were yours and were mine

no matter what the explanations

no matter the write offs

or miscommunication

some things can’t be undone

and some things shouldn’t be

Remembering the sparkle

starts to shine in the void

like the feelings diamonds have

when the light hits their faces

That burning and life says

keep your alive, alive

keep your shine, shining

see that, see that

that power in you

that sparkle that sparkles

its so so sweet

it’s yours to keep

 

sparkle

Run

and She woke at some five in the morning
realizing the personal loss

Of 
those conversations that could never be had

with someone who would never understand

whether drunk or sober

heavy or light

angry or stable

left or right

in those tears of unwinding

And fierce cries in the night

From repressed visions

And liberated art shows for one man

whether plays of the sexes

or psychological unties

Boundaries we cross

Sounds of Breaking free

Sounds of Breaking time

Either way

She was never going to hear them again

so the mare stares at her old gateways
trying to decide

should she just run free alone

or go back to rails

and security

knowing those times and memories

will never be the forever

that set her free

he that opened her gate…man

he let her be
he set her free

then he left her alone
to tame her own fires

and be her own song

and she woke at some five in the morning
feeling that loss

and who would understand

except that type of woman

to that kind of man

and only the tears that cry for no reasons
running traces that burn

explanations that explain
but never learn

so the mare stares at her old gateways
trying to decide

whether to keep running

or to hide

Transitions Hurt Sometimes

“Transitions must transist” a dear love of mine once told me. He meant to tell me that we can’t hold on to everything and every moment as if it will last forever. Things change. Circumstances change. Go with the flow. Fly. After all, transitions must transist”. His word. This never became more true to me than in the beginning of this year. The year of the Fire Monkey. The year where things were not going to calmly move along, or wait on me to make decisions. The year where if I don’t take the hint and move then I’ll be pushed. Sometimes transitions can hurt like hell.
There was something different about this year from its beginning. As if the usual routines just were not going to cut it anymore.There would be no more comfort levels, security blankets or self sabotaging excuses. The revelations of the past two years, were ready to burst into present reality. No more hiding to keep peace. No more silently dying. It was like my dear loves words were watching over me “transitions must transist..it’s ok”.
   After personal losses in the end of 2015, I went through some personal transition where I had to answer many questions about my being. This was a transition of healing and moving forward. After this I was scared of the actual movement of transition. I had been trying to force myself into a mold to succeed at my job. That was not working. My finances were in a wreck and I had thought about bankruptcy. The most minimal things became disasters, like a vacation that found me wrecking my car and losing more money. All attempts at maintaining comfort failed. I was on the crossroads of new beginnings or trying to numb out to survive. Somewhere in the wreckage I looked towards the Heavens and said “whatever God, whatever you want”. Be careful what you pray for.
    Withing a two week period after the prayer, I lost my job. My pay was cut and I was forced to make decisions and to actively look for other options in life. It was a push. After the immediate shock and hurt of the unfair treatment I had received, I realized how free I now I was. Free to have time, time to think, to write and to stretch my limits. I had a new job in a matter of days, with new prospects. I made five writing submissions, whether they are published or not is not the point. The renewed sense of creativity that is flowing is it’s own transition. I paid off a small portion of my debt. I stopped smoking, this time with very little effort. It was just time. My body wouldn’t do it anymore. I enrolled in a Master Degree program, and am active in own life. Like all transitions, when the time comes, they must transist, here in the year of changes. That fire monkey stuff.
* Note* I understand that “transist’ is not a literary word for transition. This was truly a term my friend used and one that stays with me.
life-transitions

Quitting

I’m a former smoker, as of last week. It isn’t the first time either. Once, I had an acupuncturist help me quit smoking and it stuck for a good while. What ever really is a good reason or excuse to light up another one? It is never as good as we smokers imagine it will be. Much like my acupuncturist and I agreed…a cigarette is like that boyfriend that beats us but we keep going back to him. Because we know him. He is who we turn to when we are sad, lonely or stressed. Then before we know it he is back in our bed, controlling our life and killing our health. All the elements are there. Addiction of any kind is emotional, and nicotine is so easily addictive and so present in our lives, that it is hard not to relate smoking and the smoker to being a bond of sorts. So this time when I let it go, I let it go softly. I thought of it just like a relationship, and wrote a poem about it.

I’ve quit you so many times
and I always come running back
You are like a boyfriend
who takes all my energy
my time and my best
and you give me nothing back
I spend so much money
we hide behind closed doors
we take a deep breath together
and wonder what all this hiding is for
you give nothing
you add nothing
you heal nothing

Quitting
Quitting you again

You’re like an abusive boyfriend
a family member
an ex husband or memory
that keeps me curled up
making my initiative lazy
you make me old
and when you aren’t around
I start acting crazy

Quitting
I’m quitting you again
and if I falter
I’m gonna think of you just like this
like an abusive boyfriend
a lazy ass lover
an ex husband who knows my weakness
A taker
a taker
with nothing to give me

you cant have my money
you cant have my breath
or my life
anymore
smoke